Not My Department: The Story of How I Met Every Customer Service Rep at the Cable Company

August 7th It's only $11.00 per month. An offer from Xfinity to get unlimited data, part of a new plan, xfi complete. Pandemic living and remote learning have strained the limits of our WiFi and collective patience. Better service and unlimited data for $11.00 a month sounds like a great solution. It sounds like the complete solution, I mean it’s right there in the name.

I take the plunge, call the 800 number, navigate through the phone tree like a mouse in a maze until I finally get to the cheese. And by cheese I mean a live human.

An hour and a half later, I’m all set up. It takes a long time but hey, to get a Gateway  modem and be made complete takes time. Sure, a few glitches. I’m fairly certain that the reps at Comcast have a special manual called smoke and mirror responses that serve as the first line of defense. 

“The email I got says the unlimited data is $11.00 per month, you just said $25.00.”

“Oh, yes, the unlimited is $11 but the Gateway modem router you need to receive all the wonderful, unlimited service is $14 per month, so $25 total."

Sigh, I hold my breath until the smoke clears.

And we are done! I can expect my new Gateway, DVR Box and another HD Adapter in 3-5 business days.

August 8th I have a confirmation email to prove that my starter kit is on the way!

August 10th  The box arrives but no DVR box, no HD adapter, just the Gateway.

The Missing Box

August 12th  Back to Comcast via live chat. Well, first the Xfinity assistant, the robo chat, which only has answers to questions I could have googled in the first place with less effort. The fake clicking of the keys while they “review my account” is a nice touch. Also, “Thank you for your patience as we work through this pandemic together.” As if Comcast and I are in the trenches, working on a vaccine and making homemade hand sanitizer. 

Finally, live Chat with a human, now we’re getting somewhere. Where we get is a cable service provider version of Who’s On First.

“I see you have four TV boxes.”

“No, I only have three.”

“It looks like four.”

“I have three TV’s, never four.”

“Hmmmm, can I get the serial numbers off the boxes you have?”

Sure, let me stretch my legs and go look for very small numbers on the back of devices which are very difficult to locate. Yep, I’m on it.

Back with the numbers.

“Oh wait, hmmm, maybe you do only have three.”

Then, click.

“You have been disconnected, please wait while we reconnect you." 

Reconnected with a new chat rep, John, “How can I help you?”

“Oh, John, John, John. Can you read the last hours worth of chat so I don’t have to repeat the entire conversation? I need a DVR box.”

“Ok, yes, your new service includes that and I see you are being sent a DVR box and three adapters.”

“NO! I do not need a box and three adapters. I have three TV's!”

“Well, it looks like the order was for four.”

“Well how about we take one away since it seems they have not shipped yet.”

“Ok, so you’d like me to cancel the order?”

“What? No! I spent an hour and half setting  up the order, why would I want to start over?”

“Well, I cannot access the order change system, you would need to speak to a customer service rep, those changes are only done verbally, not through chat.”

I pause for a very long time hoping John will grasp my level of frustration through the silence. 

“Would you like me to schedule a call back?”

”Yes, yes I would, thank you.”

Still Missing

August 13th  “Hi my name is Will, how can I help you?”

Oh, Will, Will, Will.

“Can you review any of the three hours that I’ve already invested through your phone and chat reps?”

“Ok, yes I see that you’ve ordered four boxes.”

“ I DO NOT HAVE FOUR TV’S! I need to get three.”

“Well, we can cancel the first order and set up another with three boxes. Hmmm, it looks like you already received your DVR box.”

“Nope.”

“It shows it was delivered.”

“I got a box with a Gateway modem, nothing else.” 

“It says here that they were shipped together.”

Oh Will, if you think this is an evil plot to steal a box from Comcast you are out of your mind. You clearly have no idea how little time a mom with three kids in the midst of pandemic, remote learning has on her hands.

“I do not have the DVR box.”

“Ok then, we’ll send you the box along with the adapter that you still need.” 

Three hours later, new order complete, one box, one adapter and we are good to go. 

Let me pause and say that I enjoyed my time with Will, he is definitely one of my top favorite reps. And I mean that with no sarcasm, he was very helpful. Really.

Xfinity sends me an email to say that, “Awesome is waiting, you are just a few steps away. Click here to confirm your order.” I click because I can’t wait for awesome to happen.

Third Times a Charm…or not

August 16th The box arrives with the adapter and NO MAIN DVR BOX. I decide I need a mental health, Xfinity free, day of rest. At this point we have installed the magic Gateway box and have the same sporadic WiFi we’ve always had. Still waiting for awesome to kick in.

August 18th Turns out I need two days to regroup and clear my calendar but I’m back in the ring.

On with the live agent chat again. I’ve learned to just tell Robo Bot Chat that I want to speak with a representative. It protests for a bit but eventually gives in and let’s me level up.

 “Yep, no box, doesn’t show a box with the order.”

“Thanks, I pieced that together for myself, can I get a box?”

“Sure, let’s get you the box. I’ll have to arrange a call back from an agent who can make changes to the order.” 

Of course you will.

“Sure, I'd love a call back, my number should be on your speed dial at this point.”

 “Hello, my name is Marilee, how can I help you?”

Oh, Marilee, Marilee, Marilee.

I know that Marilee does not deserve my wrath or snarky comments and, at this moment, she is still my best hope of getting a DVR box. I give her the elevator pitch version of how we got here and she starts to work on getting me that darn box. 

Only there’s a glitch, a brief hold and after much back and forth, 45 minutes in and….I’m disconnected. I manage to call back and after three or four attempts, get a live rep. 

“My name is Brandon, how can I help you?”

Oh, Brandon, Brandon, Brandon. At this point, I’m not even sure where to start. 

“Brandon, you are the sixth person I’ve talked to over the course of 11 days for a total of 8 1/2 hours and I’m not even sure what I need or how you can help. How about I fix a cup of herbal tea and diffuse some essential oils while you review the tangled web of my recent journey with Comcast?”

Brandon turns out to be one of my top two favorite reps, (the aforementioned Will is the other), and eventually agrees that yes, I need a DVR box and yes, we can redo the order...again. 

“But it looks like you have four boxes, is that correct?”

“NO!”

“Do you have the serial numbers of the boxes you currently have?”

“Why, yes, yes I do as a matter of fact. I have pictures of them and the next time I get a free offer from Shutterfly I’m thinking of getting a set of coasters made to commemorate our time together.”

Brandon seems to be appropriately appalled at how complicated this process has been and I appreciate the sympathy and recognition that this order has gone off the rails.

A Pandemic Scavenger Hunt

Finally, finally I might be done. Brandon suggests that I go to the Comcast store to get my DVR box and that this might be the best way to expedite the process. I feel Brandon is trying to tell me, in a subtle way, that success via the shipping method is iffy. I agree, not that I don’t trust them to get it right but, you know the old saying, “Those that ignore history are doomed to repeat it.” Brandon is not ignoring history and neither am I. 

In spite of the fact that it’s 102 degrees, wildfire smoke fills the air, there’s a pandemic going on and MS makes getting around difficult, I decide the best way to finally get my promise of awesome is to take Brandon up on his offer to set up an appointment at the Comcast store. 

I get multiple emails and text messages confirming and reminding me of my appointment, so I feel confident that I have the promised appointment.

August 20th I have my DVR box! I made it through the heat, smoke and Covid-19 maze and came back with a shiny new box of awesome!             

I am complete! And, in the same way that the pain of childbirth fades and you think having another kid is a good idea, the pain of getting my new service is largely forgotten as we enjoy ordering our new box around with voice commands and recording shows we may or may not ever get around to watching.

I would like to pause at this point to say that during the 22 years I’ve been a Comcast customer, (a fact that seems to astonish each rep I speak with), I have been quite happy. The cable works, the WiFi works and the phone works more often than not. I’ve found the service techs that come to the house to be polite and competent and if they screw it up, they’ll send out someone else to fix the problem. The only time I’ve had problems is now, when I tried to upgrade my service, and while the whole experience has made me crazy it has also been entertaining in a weird way. It felt like one of those Escape Room challenges. Would I solve the mystery before time and my sanity ran out?

Here We Go Again

August 29th An email from Xfinity arrives to tell me that my WiFi evaluation is complete. I’d forgotten that part of this new, awesome plan was an assessment of our WiFi coverage, all done remotely through some magic which I’m sure involves spying on us, probably in cahoots with Alexa. Regardless, I need better WiFi. The evaluation shows that my WiFi coverage would benefit from three xFi Pods and they are included with my new service at no extra cost. Whoo Hoo! I feel that improved awesome is within my grasp. I click the link to get the pods.

Pods are not available

You can’t order the pods.

You can’t be placed on a list to receive the pods.

You can just keep clicking the button on a daily basis hoping that maybe the pods will be available. Comcast doesn’t know when the pods might be available but they do know that since I’m this far in, I’m not going anywhere, they’ve done the psychological research.

Let me pause again and say that I’m not having as much fun this time. I’m tired of the Escape Room game.

September 1st I’m back on the quest to get those pods. The Comcast assistant suggests I go online to order, so I do and low and behold they are indeed available if I’d like to pay $119.00 for them. I can order if I’d like to pay, but they are temporarily unavailable via the free pod link.

Now working with a real live chat agent, Gabriel. He, of course, is appropriately sympathetic and ineffective in that well honed customer service style. He confirms what I already know, that he, as a chat rep, cannot process an order for pods. He suggests I call the 800 number. I suggest he schedule a call back for me, which he does.

He asks what number is best, then ignores that number and has the call come to my land line which isn’t helpful and the call is missed. Twice. 

Oh, Gabriel. You said you had my back, you said you would defend my right to free pods. Oh, Gabriel, you’ve let me down.

I call back to schedule a call back at the correct number.

“Hello my name is Raquel, how may I help you?”

Oh, Raquel, Raquel, Raquel. 

I run through the free pods elevator pitch. I’m not feeling as much warm love from Raquel and she has no chance of bumping Will or Brandon out of the top favorite rep spots.

She informs me that the pods can only be picked up at the store. I am amazed that they can be mailed to me, if I pay $119, but not if Xfinity has offered them to me for free. 

She can tell me where the nearest store is located. I tell her I’m well aware of the store location. Will she please make an appointment and note that I will be there to pick up the magic pods?

Yes, yes she will.

I’m still not getting the best vibe here and I feel like my customer service rep radar has been well honed by this point.

Raquel guarantees she has made an appointment.

I have my doubts. I get no confirmation email, no text, no multiple reminders with maps and cheerful notes about Covid-19 protocol. 

Pods, Anyone??

I decide to look at Xfinity community forums on the website. There are lots of people in search of their free pods, like zombies hunting for brains, staggering through a pod-less world. The store tells the zombies to order online. The reps say go to the store.

I decide I am not going to keep the appointment that was most likely never made to not get my pods.

What the heck, I give the Xfinity Facebook messenger option a go, just to see what kind of bot will respond.

I got the very lowest level of bot, the one that can only ask how they can help and then suggest you go to the website via a link. I call these the Bottom Bots.

Whatever Bottom Bot suggests, I give the same response, “Nope, wrong answer.” Bottom Bot eventually tires of this game and offers to connect me with an agent who will be available in about 30 minutes.

2:58pm A message from Zach who is quite chatty and excited as demonstrated by the use of multiple exclamation points and describing the pods I can’t seem to get as nifty. Not sure if Zach is human or a bot programmed with vocabulary from 1957. 

Somewhere between 3:26pm and 3:48pm I lose Zach and now have Marcos who says things like, “Awesome!” Seems Marcos has been programmed for the 80’s. Like, totally.

The Big Red Button

Meanwhile, I’m still in my online account and get asked if I’d like to take a survey about my recent interaction with Xfinity. Well, yes, yes I would. My choice is the big red button (dislike) or the big green button (like). This is not a difficult decision. We go with red and click 0 on a scale of 0 to 10 as to whether or not I would recommend Xfinity to a friend. They should ask if I’d refer their service to an enemy.

Let me pause again and say, in hindsight, I could have at least given a 2 or perhaps a 3 because I’ve had a good run up until now. But, like childbirth, this is painful and I’m not thinking clearly. I need an Xfinity epidural.

Within a few hours I get an email from Juliene of the Comcast Customer Experience Team. She’d like to learn more about my recent survey response and is there a time we could speak on the phone? The timing of this email seems too perfect to be a real human response, more like an auto response for anyone who hits the big red button. I respond because sure, I’d love to chat with you, Juliene.

4:17pm Meanwhile back to FB messenger. I now get Aaron, who like Zach, favors the overuse of exclamation points! Aaron can’t see where it says I get three free pods. I send him a screenshot of the email. The one from Xfinity. The one that says I get three free pods.

And what happened to Zach and Marcos? 

6:05pm I point out that we’ve been on this thread for three hours and my kids might well be in college before I can get them the WiFi they need to complete high school. 

Hey, Marcos is back! Marcos says that he,” Totally gets where I’m coming from!” He also goes on, with great enthusiasm, about how awesome the xFi Pods are and how excited he would be to have them in his house. 

Yeah, Marcos, you should probably stop telling me how cool the product is that your company is making so difficult to acquire.

An Entire Team On My Side!

Marcos hears me, “Loud and clear!” Apparently, there is a team dedicated to working on this exact situation. I’m not surprised to hear this, though I wonder if they could just dedicate a team to sending out pods in the first place, rather than one to deal with customers who find themselves in this exact situation.

Marcos says, “We are just outside their hours of business (the dedicated team, that is) and he is going to work on getting in touch with them in the morning." He’ll keep me in the loop.

September 2nd Marcos is back! Back with more enthusiasm and he even throws in an LOL. He is working on getting those pods sent out to me but he needs my consent on a key piece of information. Hmmm, this sounds serious, I’m intrigued. What is this key piece of information? 

"Well, if you cancel your service within 90 days, you’ll have to pay for the pods to the tune of $119.00. "

Is that 90 days from the day I get them or the day I started this whole process? If it’s the latter then I’m already 30 days in so I think I can make it another 60. And besides, this draconian clause in the contract implies that I might actually, one day, receive the magic pods. So, yes, I’d like to proceed, I’m begging you to proceed. Surprise! The department they need to talk to is currently closed. He’ll get them ordered tomorrow.

Closer, Closer, Closer

September 3rd By the way, I seem to have been ghosted by Juliene of the customer engagement email on Sept. 1st. But, who needs you Juliene, Aaron is back! He has confirmed the order and will get me the tracking info tomorrow. I’m trying not to get my hopes up, they’ve been dashed so many times before.

Sept 4th I have a tracking number! And an email saying there is an order and a package heading my way. I hope it’s not the 4th box they seem to think I need.

September 7th I have the pods! They are packaged in a slick box, nestled in foam, each in their own little cubby. I gently remove them from their beds and plug them in around the house and wait for the awesome to begin!

Regina Stoops is an award winning storyteller, comedian, writer, MS Warrior and Autism Mom living with her wife and three kids in the San Francisco Bay Area.

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